Sunday, June 16, 2013

Through the Eyes of an Angel

Does your life feel like this balloon?


Air slowly leaking out, band aids covering leaks where a tourniquet is needed?

My post today is a little different than what I normally talk about. So I hope you will read my words as I'm sure that the woman in this post is not the only woman in this situation.  I'll warn you in advance that I'm a little more blunt today than I normally am.  Some topics just burn my butt and this is one of them.

I have this friend that I love dearly and for years I've watched her struggle and try to patch up her life.  
She's married to a real a real ass of a man. He is so verbally abusive that its unbelievable.  He tells her how ugly she is daily; that she's stupid.  Tells her the world would be a better place if she weren't in it.  Tells her every couple of days that he wants to beat her to death and slit her throat.  Their house has several holes in the wall where he has punched the wall when he was angry.  He tells her he's to smart to hit her yet.

Do I have your attention yet?


Yeah, he's a piece of work, isn't he?  I'm not exaggerating, this is how he behaves.
I'm sure you're thinking, "why does she stay with him"?   Well they have a little boy just under 2 years old.  She's terrified of what might happen if she divorced him.

Can you imagine what he could do to a small child?   I can, and it chills me to the bone.



This poor girl just keeps putting band aids on her life.  She wants to leave but the custody visits with the child's father terrifies her as she fears him being alone with their small son.  Their chihuahua bit his finger a few months back and she found her husband with the dog in the sink spraying it with hot water so I can see her concern.   It's not like verbal abuse does much good in a court.  It's all "hear say" ones word against the other, so what do you do?  I feel that someday he will kill her but I understand too that you do whatever you have to to protect your child.  He's never hit her so she has nothing tangible to show a judge to prove what this guy is capable of.   She's miserable and spends most of her time crying  

She loves her son more than life itself.  


What do you do in these types of relationships?  How long before all the air is drained from your life?  At what point do you reach the critical stage and the tourniquet becomes a necessity? How long before this mans violence turns outward?  Is the pain supposed to be felt less because the injuries don't show on the outside?   There are a lot of questions that are impossible but inevitable.

Would you feel more sorry for this woman because you can see her physical scars?
Is the pain of this type of torture not real because you don't have physical evidence to show a judge or jury? 


This situation burns my butt because I've been an abused wife.  Mine was physical as well as verbal.  I miscarried my Rebecca due to a beating so I do understand the fear this woman has.  Note: by my EX husband, not my husband.  I was married to a sorry excuse of a human being that thought beating and verbal abuse was what a woman should endure for her husband.  You'll always hear him say, "it'll never happen again" at least until the next time.  I am one of the lucky ones, after 2 years of beatings, I survived my last beating and got the hell out of that relationship.

 Many women are not that lucky and some never escape, at least not alive.



If you we're this woman, what would you do?  Don't just answer in anger or judgement, think about the situation as a whole.   What happens to your child?  Are you willing to risk his safety?  Are you willing to to find out if he will eventually "beat you to death and slit your throat"?  Who can help you?  This guy is a smooth talker, a true liar by every definition but totally convincing.  I've seen him in action.  What do you do?

Angel






35 comments:

  1. I grew up in a home just like that. My parents are still to this day....married and together. When the five of us kids were young she would have to sneak us out the back door to her friends house for the night because my dad would come home drunk and beat on her. The verbal abuse was there too. I always respected my father, no matter how bad things were. I have learned over the last year or so that it was mainly out of fear. I still commend him for some of the good things he had done, but looking back now...and being older with kids of my own....my father was a very ugly man! But after living through all of this, I have become a very strong woman.

    Your friend should take pictures of all the damage in the house. She should also carry a tape recorder in her pocket. I know she may not want to do this out of fear of him finding it, but it will be evidence. Im not sure about all states, but I know that in the state of Indiana she would be able to file charges on him for threatening her, regardless of proof. They take that seriously, if anything it would be an intimidation charge.

    She needs to start reporting his threats to build up a solid case against him. She can contact local law enforcement and just simply explain her situation to them and get their advice on the matter. She fears him and she fears for her and her sons life. She can also contact child services and let them know what is going on. Now this can be handled two ways, depends on the case worker. They will advise her to leave the house immediately.

    She definitely needs to be out of that home before, heaven forbid, something bad really happens. No one should have to live their life in that kind of fear.

    My mother always said that she stayed with my father all those years "for us kids"! That is the biggest mistake she ever made. My home was a very unhappy one, and like I said she still puts up with it now that we are all grown and live on our own.

    So, basically my advice to her, is build a case and contact officials for advice on how to move forward. She needs a restraining order for her and the child. She also needs to file a custody paper with the court before things blow up and she leaves. In most states, when a couple is married, neither party technically has custody of the child until a paper is filed. And usually whoever files first, keeps custody until all legal proceedings are finalized.

    I am so sorry to hear that your friend is going through such a terrible nightmare. I hope anything I had to share may come of some help, and please feel free to contact me if you have anymore questions or I can help in any way.

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    1. I truly thank you so much for sharing your life with us. I know how hard it can be sometimes to talk about these kinds of things. My friend will read your story and your advise and I know she will appreciate your time and thoughtfulness too. Fear is a terrible thing and it's amazing how it can transfix you into a corner. I've told her also that she needs to be keeping some type of journal or something but she's, as you mentioned, afraid he will find it. I've encouraged her to seek an attorney and at least get information on how custody works in her state. I pray for her safety and for that of her son.
      Again, thank you.
      Angel

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  2. I honestly can't say what I would do. I would like to think that I would be strong enough to leave but you never know, and especially with a child involved. I know the best thing to do would be to leave but sometimes it's easier said than done. And I know that from experience. Someone dear to me has an emotionally and verbally abusive spouse but she won't leave because she's afraid he will get custody of their child; she tried to leave but the authorities wouldn't help her at all because she had no physical proof of anything and they flat out told her he has just as much right to the child as she does.
    These are sad, terrible situations and it breaks my heart for the kids.

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  3. Hi Angie,
    Thanks for visiting me today. You are right, leaving is easier said than done. I've been there and it takes everything you have within you to break that bond of Fear. My Ex almost killed me with my LAST beating but at that moment, lying on the floor in my own blood, I knew that the next time he would kill me. The look in his eyes that night, strangely enough, gave me the courage to run for my life.
    Angel

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  4. I am so sorry that your friend is in this situation. It is very hard. I am married to s verbally abusive person for 5 years and I didn't work at the time so I felt trapped. He wasn't quite as bad as the man you described but verbally abusive. She needs to leave, I finally did and I'm thankful that I did. I am in a loving relationship now.

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    1. Hi Christy,
      Thank you for sharing your situation with me. I'm so glad that you got out of your bad relationship. Women are not punching bags, be it verbal or physical. I hope my friend has the opportunity to be happy again someday too.
      Angel

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  5. Your poor friend. I was in a relationship with a verbally abusive man for six months before I had enough and had to leave. The verbal abuse is definitely harder because you can't prove it, but I'd watched my own dad abuse my mum and my brothers and sisters for years, I refused to let myself get stuck in the same pattern as my mum. I was lucky that she finally found the strength to kick him out of our house when I was ten, so we all had a chance to learn that life didn't have to be lived in constant fear, but it has affected us all in our own special ways. I am praying that your friend finds the strength to get out of there for hers and her son's sake. Just because her husband is too smart to hit her, doesn't mean he isn't dangerous.

    Thank you for sharing this, and your own story, I know it can be hard to discuss domestic violence, and I am truly sorry that you and your friend have both gone through this.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story also. Sometimes we feel we are very alone in these types of situations. It helps to hear that someone has found happiness in a similar situation.
      Angel

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  6. New follower from the blog hop! So excited to follow along. I would love if you would follow me also!
    XO
    dani
    Love Me, Dani Marie

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    1. Hi Dani Marie
      I followed you back also. Your blog is wonderful and I enjoyed my visit with you.
      Angel

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  7. Hi Angel, this is really a hard situation.. She has to move out, but that is not so easy!! She and her son cannot be living in this situation for long, as it is dangerous both physically and mentally.. She has to move out and file a case.. Probably he needs a medical treatment... She is lucky that she has friends like you who are more than willing to help her. I have no idea of about the legal procedures in the US. But I hope and pray that she will get a peaceful life with her son.
    -Berina

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    1. Hi Berina
      It is a hard situation. She is such a sweet lady and it is heartbreaking to see her have to endure endless days living this kind of life. Living in fear is just an existence, it's not living. Unfortunately, I remember it well.
      Angel

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  8. I would agree that she ought to leave. But how and when and in what way is all down to her. All you can do is be there to support her through it all.

    Sarah @ A Cat-Like Curiosity

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  9. When you haven't experienced it (like myself) it's easier to say to get out BUT her child will be harmed as well and the earlier she gets out, the better chances this child won't be haunted by memories of this man.

    There are women's shelters that can help. That might be a good starting point for her.

    Prayers for strength and protection for your friend and her child.
    xoxo

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  10. Found your awesome blog on the MHO Blog Hop, feel free to check out mine www.fourpartsoftheone.com or www.facebook.com/4partsofthe1 xxx

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  12. Angel this post certainly gives serious food for thought. I am really sorry to read what your friend is going through. Nobody should have to endure this forever. I think the day is going to come when she makes the bold move and leave. So many women around the world have faced abuse in its many forms. Sadly some women stay and it leads to loss of life. When a child is involved the situation is even more tragic. I pray that everything will work out for your friend. She deserves so much more than what she is now experiencing. I am glad that you freed yourself from abuse. Take care and my very best wishes to you.

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  13. It's so hard to say what to do when you are not the one in the situation. Verbal abuse is difficult to prove, but I like some of the recommendations above to prove what's been happening. But your friend definitely needs to leave before her son becomes older and haunted by these experiences. If it is this bad now, it will only get worse. I would recommend getting out now before it gets any worse for her and her son. I hope and pray that she and her son is able to get out safe and sound.

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    1. Hi Natasha
      Thank you for visiting and for your care. Your prayers are appreciated.
      Angel

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  14. I would leave too. I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. I thankfully did not have kids. He got me a dog for a present and then killed it. He used to hit me with a cane just hard enough not to leave a bruise. He said I was lucky because he held back and the abuse could be much worse. I left after her killed the dog. It is funny it took abuse to a dog to wake me up. I am remarried and happy with a daughter and wonderful husband. I have grandkids and step daughters whom I love like my own. I also have a wonderful (step) son who is a pastor. God will see you through. Tell your friend to be brave and leave. Even if he gets visitation she can request that a Guardian ad litem be appointed for the safety of the child. I am not sure if they do that in your commmunity but in certain cases involving abuse they do it here. Documentation is important like others said. This post hit close to home. Abusive relationships are dark, ugly and scary. I know. I was at a Beth Moore retreat about a month after I had ended my relationship with my former husband. She said to "flee dark relationships." Her advice confirmed my decision. It was the best one I have ever made.

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    1. Hi Mary
      I'm so glad that you were blessed with a good life and a wonderful family. It's wonderful to hear that past all the ugliness of abuse there is hope for true love and happiness. Thank you for your care and concern.
      Angel

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  15. That is a really horrible situation. And since he hasn't touched her yet, it would be hard in court. You don't want anything to happen to the child when he has visits with the child. But nothing can happen unless something does happen. It's like a catch 22 and no matter what you do, it's going to be bad. I wonder if she can bring up the chihuahua thing in court. He's obviously inhumane. And people who are inhumane to animals are often inhumane to people as well. I will be praying for her and her son.

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers.
      Angel

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  16. what a heartbreaking story. I was abused too physically, emotionally and verbally so I know what it's like. I got out because somebody else reached out but the true pain lingered. Looking back now it was a horrible place to be in. I can understand her fear. I hope she gets out of that relationship. It is not going to be easy but there's got to be some way out. She need to do it for her child.

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    1. Hi Gem
      I know what you mean, I hated living in fear, always afraid of what I would do to set him off again. I finally realized that I didn't have to do anything, he just found excuses to punch me. All these years later the memories are as fresh as they were when they were happening.
      Angel

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  17. Hi Angel, this is so heartbreaking to read and especially so when it brings back my own memories of my life and what I had to endure. My torture started the day after my marriage, when I was told, "you are mine to do whatever I want to, so behave and everything will be ok, you won't be able to live without me anyway". I suffered both physical and mental torture similar to your friend and it drags you down to the point that you feel totally worthless. You start to feel that whatever he tells you is true, my weight ballooned to over 17 stone as I felt so useless, my son who was 10 at the time, was there to watch and see it all happening. He once had me pinned up against a wall, slapping and punching me, when my son came in and said to him, "Dad leave my mum alone", he turned to him and said, "you get out or you are next"!! That was enough for me, do what you like to me but not my son, I am not excusing what I done, as I believe that I had turned into him, but I headbutted him so that he would let me go and the fear left me there and then! I told him he would never lay another finger on me and certainly not my son and I would be leaving him. (Things are so much different in Scotland). He never laid another finger on me as I constantly threatened him with the police, which I did call. I secretly put my name down on a housing list, got a house (within a year), left him while he was at work, left him the minimal amount of furniture and off me and my son went to a new life. It was hard at first, but I am now (12 years later) in a life with my son. At the time of leaving, I didn't know how I would cope, but I did, I lost all my weight, got down to under 9 stone, got a job and was exceedingly happy. I met him a couple of years later, (after I had lost all the weight, got hair cut, got a job, was more confident) and he said to me "my god, what happened to you, you look terrific". I told him "I left you, that is what happened to me".
    Your friend can do it, I know that she will be terrified of what could happen, but she just needs to find the strength inside her, which is there. She will in her time, stand up to this pig of a man and finally realise that her life along with her son's is far more important and more precious than anything else. I will think of her and hope that she finds this strength and does what she has to do, for her and her son. Hugs, Jen :-) x
    Krafty Keepsakes

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    1. I love it Jennifer! You fought back to survive and protect your child, you did what you had to do. I feel the same way, nobody touches my kids, nobody.
      Angel

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  18. Thanks for linking to my “Themed Blog & Shop Hop!”
    Angie
    godsgrowinggarden.com
    PS - Fantastic post

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  19. I am dearly lucky to have a wonderful man as a husband. We cry out of the abuse of women in our own country, but we women in our country let the abuse of women in Middle Eastern countries go unnoticed. This needs to be stopped worldwide!

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    1. Absolutely! No women should be abused. When I was writing this post I read about a Middle Eastern wife whose face was mutulated by her brother-in-law because her husband was angry. My heart ached for her. Women suffer often at the hands of the man who should love us and protect us, the majority suffer in silence and in fear. I agree that it needs to STOP!
      Angel

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  20. What an awful thing for your friend and her child to have to go through. It is going to have to ultimately be up to her what to do. Hopefully she will realize what a good friend she has in you and reach out for the help.

    Thank you for sharing at the Oh What a HAPPY Day party.

    Holly at Not Done Growing

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  21. She must talk to a PROFESSIONAL who has been trained to tell her how to properly leave so that no one is hurt. It is very important that she follows the professional's advice. I will keep her in my prayers.

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  22. Hi Angel,

    It's obvious that your friend needs to get out of the abusive relationship. Once she finds the strength she will do it. Hopefully it will be sooner than later.

    I know that I can find the strength to do things for my children that I could not do for myself. Maybe your friend is the same.

    She needs to educate herself and quickly. She would not be able to live with herself if something happened to her son by accident when her spouse is in a fit of rage.

    I was in an abusive relationship. Out of anger he threatened to blow up the building I was living in and watch me and the kids burn.

    Here is just one link of many that she may find helpful. http://www.gacircleofhope.org/how_to_leave.htm

    Bye for now, Darlene
    www.mylittleshopoftreasures.blogspot.ca
    www.darlenebnemeth.blogspot.ca

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    1. I think that eventually she will find the courage to leave and I pray she will be blessed with a good life or ear self and her son.
      Angel

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  23. Oh wow! Praying for your friend that God covers her and her baby until she gets out of this relationship! So sorry for your loss as well and thank God that He got you out of that marriage. Thanks so much for sharing and linking up! Have a wonderful evening!

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